i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
