he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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