I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
