The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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