In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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