the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize