Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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