I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize