Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
