When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
