This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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