Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize