He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
