the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
