I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
