sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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