So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize