My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
