I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
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