I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
