felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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