I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
