So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
50% drunk capacity currently
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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