if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
