He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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