i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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