I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
