Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize