All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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