if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
