guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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