ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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