Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
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