Need sex. Gaining weight.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize