You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
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