I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I have feelings that need drinking.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
