I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
