no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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