Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
