Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
