Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
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