Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
