There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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