its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
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