And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
