Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
