Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
