see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
