When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
