enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
