I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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