My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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