# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I wish life had little blips of pornography
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
