A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
