If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
