I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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