you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
