So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I touched a dick in church today
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
