My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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