Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
